Not Alone

One of my missions in writing this blog is to share my experiences of having a mental illness, and to also say that it's OK to not be 'OK'. I apologise if this is all over the place but I need to pour my heart out.

A friend of mine posted her 'Class of 2000' reunion pictures on Facebook. We didn't go to the same school, and I was class of '99 anyway. But seeing the smiling faces of people ten years on from their high school graduation made me smile too. Why? I may not have been here ten years later writing this. Something which affected me greatly this week was a piece about an anonymous person posting his/her suicidal wish to PostSecret, the anonymous postcard phenomenon. 60,000 people banded together to try and get a message to this anonymous poster to reassure them that they were not alone and were loved. And what amazed me most of all was the amount of teenagers who did this. I was so proud of every single one of them. When I was diagnosed with depression, it was taboo and not talked about, really. What I am seeing now from this side of things is that teens are often misunderstood...and I believe that teen depression is often misinterpreted as just being moody teenagers. One phenomenon that wasn't talked about when I was in high school is the bullying of GLBT teens, as well as cyber bullying. It's bad enough being a GLBT teen trying to navigate the perils of high school, but now the bullies can reach you right in your living room.

I was bullied from day one at primary school, through high school and unbelievably when I went to teacher's college, which was disgusting. So you imagine all of those years of being told you weren't good enough, that something was obviously wrong with you but nobody ever told you what it was except for the fact it had something to do with being bright, something you had no control over. And it took its toll. I attempted suicide in my senior year and was diagnosed with depression but at this point the after-care was non-existent apart from handing me some pills. As bad as being depressed and suicidal was, the time afterwards was my lowest point. I am still angry at the girls who bullied me, I don't know how you make your way through that kind of pain and come out the other side but with a lot of research and experience I have been able to reconstruct my life and make it a happy one.

When you are so low that you can't believe you're still alive and wonder why you are, I think that's when you can rebuild. I lived, and there was obviously a reason for that. I guess what I really want to say is that there are so many people in the world who feel alone, who are suffering from depression or another form of mental illness and they are real, living, breathing people, not a circus sideshow. If I could go back to that young person I was ten years ago I would tell her she wasn't alone, even if it felt like that. That life really is worth living, that it's not the circumstances, it's the crazy brain chemicals making her think otherwise. I'd ask her to take care of herself.

All Work and No Play (or Sunshine)...

Sometimes when you are waiting for rainbows there is a whooooole lotta rain to get through. In my case, it's been both metaphorical and literal this week! It has been raining nonstop for the past four days. And not hard rain, either. It's been that awful, drizzly rain that gets over everything and makes the air feel really oppressive. Of course the cat has been loving ducking in and out in the rain because she gets to be toweled off when she comes back inside. It's also the end of semester, and the end of the exam period, so I am at a loose end. All the stress came off literally in an instant after I finished my last exam on Thursday morning and I collapsed. I'm still feeling incredibly mentally frazzled. So we have the oppressive weather, my mental exhaustion and a touch of winter blues. It makes Rainbow an incredibly foul person to live with. When you start to understand what Jack Torrance was going through in "The Shining"...yeah, bad sign. Then again I think I'd go crazy being around Shelley Duvall as well.

Today thankfully is the first day of sunshine, although when the curtains were pulled back I squinted from the sheer burst of sunlight. I'm starting to think that vampires aren't vampires, they're people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder like me. As for the mood and the low energy, I have to just ride it out and fortify myself with nourishing foods instead of stodge. It's so tempting in the winter to immerse yourself in full-fat hot chocolate, creamy pasta, mashed potatoes with lashings of butter,bagels with cream cheese...or maybe that's just me. But no, I must go towards the light (literally) and nibble the foods that help support my serotonin levels instead of diminishing them. I find it exceptionally hard to keep mentally well in winter. Colds and flu don't bother me much, I can deal with those, it's mental unwellness that has me in its grip. And worse yet, if I am allowed to graduate early I am going to be at a loose end this winter, so I will have to find plenty of things to keep myself occupied. Exercise is definitely a must. Part of the reason I have been so cranky the past few days is because I desperately wanted to go for a long brisk walk through the park but couldn't. Here's hoping for a few more rain-free days.

Look What The Cat Dragged In

Sadly, there are some times when drama cannot be avoided in one's life. Yesterday was a prime example. We managed to have a bit of a lie-in and a relaxing morning, but I was feeling a bit cooped up so we decided to go for a bit of a drive around the bays. However, as we go out the door, who should we see in the window of the house next door...but Hazel. And the neighbor wasn't home. She was crying out to us but there was nothing we could do but wait until the neighbor got home and hope she wasn't going down south to her parents for the weekend like she does.

Thankfully, at about 6:45pm the neighbor came home and Orlon went to see her but Hazel must have dashed out unseen when the neighbor first opened her door because she was nowhere to be found. So we thought, OK, she'll be home soon. We waited. And waited. And waited. At 9:00pm Orlon went searching around the neighborhood with the flashlight but Hazel was nowhere to be seen. My biggest worry was that in Hazel's blind panic to get out, she'd run across the road and gotten bowled by a car. Thankfully next to our apartments there is a vacant lot that all of the neighborhood cats frequent when they want to go somewhere.

It got to about 10:45 and I started crying. This wasn't like Hazel at all. I was prepared to stay up all night if I had to and start searching for her at daylight. But then at 11:00, who should come running through the catflap but Hazel! We cried with relief, smothered her in cuddles and she was a bit bewildered by the whole thing. Needless to say even though she wanted to go out again after that we shut the cat flap and she settled to sleep on the bed.

Study Hell

It's final exam time this week and next week at University. Tomorrow I have my Reformation and Renaissance Europe exam, which as you may know has been the bane of my existence. I have to write three essays in three hours on three different topics, according to the questions we are given. I have studied for the past three days but only managed to study ONE topic intensively. I got to this morning, I had a terrible headache, I was tired. I had to say- STOP. I had hoped, given the points that I had been cross-credited from my unfinished teaching degree, that I wouldn't have to do any courses next semester. But I've had to be rational about it and if I fail this course I will just have to continue with the courses I was going to take next semester anyway and just use one of my additional credits to make up for this course. But I just had to stop. I have pretty much almost killed myself over this course because it has been so intensive. I've concentrated on it to the detriment of my other course, but at least our lecturer has given us the questions that are going to be in the exam so we can focus our study! If I feel better later I may go back and have a look at my notes but right now I am just fried. The human brain can only take so much!

I also have to protect my brain because of depression. I am not going to over-study and end up having a breakdown I can't come back from. I've done all I can do, I realise that it may not be enough, but God willing it will be okay. And no matter what happens, it's okay! It really is! I have options.

Time of Departure Arrived

Today was "the" day. The day that I woke up to find an empty owl box. Thankfully, most of my tears had been shed over the previous week, possibly in anticipation of this outcome which we all knew was inevitable. So there was mostly cheer instead of tears!

We have no way of knowing the next chapter of the owlets' stories. For someone like myself who had an interest in birds but never really knew a thing about barn owls, I got to see something out of the ordinary. I'm not going to talk about negatives in this post. I'm just not going to. This is about my own personal experiences with the Owl Box and what it meant for me. It's my catharsis, my time to celebrate four healthy new owlets out in the world. It's a bit like staring into the eyes of a newborn human child and wondering about the possibilities and knowing that there is a big wide world stretching out before them, all shiny and new and waiting to be experienced. That's going to happen for Molly's owlets. It's going to happen for Owlivia's owlets. New life, new additions to the species. And new terrors for the rodent population!

I know there has been negativity, I know there have been things flying around (no pun intended) which have darkened the experience somewhat (oh gosh I promised I wouldn't talk about negativity), BUT there have been some unintended, beautiful consequences of this experience. I have heard about people who have stopped using chemical pesticides once they learned that it can affect the food chain so dramatically. People have started to build owl boxes, or at least learn about the best designs for owl boxes. In my case I wanted to learn more about barn owls and their behavior and sought out Stacey O' Brien's book "Wesley The Owl" and then also her blog. I was privy to the experience of seeing Molly's owlets but I wanted to know more about owl behavior in general. It changed my mind about a few things. I have become more passionate about preserving native bird species here in New Zealand too. I want birders from all around the world to be able to come here and experience our various land parrots, our Kiwi, the amazing sound of our forests with its dawn chorus. I am proud of the Karori Sanctuary in Wellington for being successful at providing a predator-free environment right in the heart of the city, as well as their project to increase the Kakariki population.

But a lot of people found hope and comfort as well. And we formed a community that I found to be very unique. And very loving. And despite the politics and economics and somewhat of the later hoopla and conflict, the one thing I hope that people take with them from this experience....is LOVE. Those four owlets were loved by thousands, we wanted the absolute best outcome for their survival. They have left the owl box...but we can take that love with us and transfer it out into the wider world. I know, it sounds idealistic, but I have found that the MODs I met over the course of four months have been so supportive and loving and I want that for the people around them too. If we can cheer on four little entities without them knowing anything about it, imagine what we can do as a species for our fellow men and women?

So I take with me from this experience a whole heap of new friends, new perspectives on nature and the environment, and a drive to want to do more. Not just for the native species here, but for my fellow brothers and sisters out there.

Riding the Bad Mood Waves

I try my darndest to keep things here upbeat and inspirational, but sometimes it can be exceptionally hard. This weekend has been a nightmare. Firstly, on the Friday, I pinched a nerve in my back. I'm still in pain. There's been a lot of negativity flying around. I'm stressed beyond belief because I have my father in law visiting tomorrow and then I have four days to study for my Reformation exam. It's the kind of thing that makes me want to just crawl under a suitable sized rock. Or, better yet, fly away to somewhere warm and sunny and tropical where I can eat fruit all day and snorkel with turtles and stingrays. I may live on an island myself but it's far from tropical!

Normally, to get rid of this stress I would get in a kickboxing session or go out for a walk to at least get some fresh air and sunshine but with my back it's been impossible. So I sort of had to surrender to it today. I had to rest up, so I took the opportunity to catch up on magazines I'd bought but hadn't read yet. As for the depression and frustration I was feeling, I have been having to ride the waves in regards to it and hope that tomorrow is a better day. I vented to some close friends who would understand what I was going through, and I'm writing this out here as well, though I have omitted much of my drama because it's dull and boring and I'm trying to keep as upbeat as possible!

The one thing that the pain in my back did was it told me that my life was out of balance. That I was under so much stress and strain that it was affecting my muscles. It also told me that I am very out of condition, a sure sign I need to start pounding the pavement again, even just to clear my head for the exams.
And maybe I'll eat fruit all day regardless of being unable to access a tropical island and snorkeling with turtles and stingrays.

On A Wing And A Prayer

I have talked a lot recently about changes that are going on in my life and also around me. In a strange way I see my life being mirrored in the changes that have been happening in the Owl Box. Right now, sweet little Wesley (my undisputed favorite) is the last owl standing, as it were, in the Owl Box. After a delayed start, Austin left yesterday. I suppose he is now hanging out with his sisters Max and Patti in Carlos' big palm tree. I have watched them, from squirmy little pink things being kept warm under Molly (and in Wesley's case, I saw her hatch!), to fuzzy little independent beings, to fully grown owls learning to flap, fly and pounce on their prey.

If you read articles in magazines about change, it will almost inevitably say that change can be stressful, even those positive life changes that happen, like marriage and buying a house. In my case I have the double whammy this year of graduating and starting to look for a house. And, in fact, if I pass my courses this semester, I am able to leave university early, even though my grad ceremony will be the same time as it would have been had I had to do another semester of courses.

It's possible that I find everything overwhelming right now because I never thought I would achieve any of this. Depression has a way of making you think and feel that. I have spent many years after high school, just trying to exist, not really living life, thinking that because I had depression I didn't have a chance to live a good life and didn't dare dream for anything better than what I had. But once I found a good doctor, learned to take care of my symptoms through a healthy diet and regular exercise, and also learned how to harness cognitive behavioral therapy, things changed. And graduating shows that I have changed. Despite having regular bouts of depression, I've still managed a good GPA, I have an A- average (wish it were an A average, lol). So perhaps I am stressed because I am getting exactly what I thought I would never get.

I was beaten down all through school by bullies who told me that I was weird and a loser. And I believed it. When I was diagnosed with depression, the depression led me to believe it too. I know that these changes are scary, but they are a progression. I have worked towards these things and now they are coming to fruition. So it will soon be time to celebrate!

I guess what I really want to say, if I get to the heart of it, is that if you have a mental illness, it is possible to achieve a healthy, happy life. Having a mental illness doesn't make you defective. Look at bipolar disorder- if you read up about it, quite often you will learn that some of the most brilliant people in the world, the most creative minds and artistic spirits have bipolar disorder. It is possible to reap the whirlwind. It IS possible to live a good life, manage those ups and downs, manage your symptoms. Heck, I've had a bout of depression recently and still managed to complete my courses to a good standard! And most importantly, there is HOPE. And hope is the most precious jewel you can have.

A Season of Changes

This past week has been my final week of classes for the first semester. I have a week of study leave, then exams on the 18th and 24th, and then two weeks' break. But what I found really interesting was when I talked to my friend S about the required points to graduate. She found out she only has to take one more course next semester in order to graduate. She has 370 points. I have 527. So I asked the course advisers at the University to do a points calculation for me and work out whether I have enough to graduate early. I'm still currently waiting to find out!

The prospect is both tremendously exciting and scary at the same time. There are so many changes happening in my life all at once and it can seem a bit overwhelming. My fiancee and I are hopefully going to be looking for our first property at the end of the year. It will be so nice to not be renting, no house inspections, we can hang things on the walls where we like, and can decorate it as we like! I can tell you I am thoroughly sick of white walls and cheap carpet that is the colour of Silly Putty. Although it does conceal cat fur very well, lol!

So I have also started looking at the job vacancies as well to get an idea of what is out there. Ideally I'd love to work at the Museum or the National Archives, but I may just volunteer for them while I look for work and see what happens. I don't have any grand dreams or goals for my career, I'm not looking to climb the ladder quickly and be rich. I just want to do a great job every day in which ever job I end up doing, and enjoy life outside of work. I don't want to work to pay for a lifestyle I can't afford, either. A lot of my neighbors are doing that. They lease expensive cars but if you look in their houses they have NO personal touches. They're literally working to pay for the cars and the jewelery and the fancy dinners out. I don't want that. I like to work.

All of these changes are quite overwhelming, but also wonderful. There have been so many years when mental illness has held me back from even daring to dream of something better and different in my life. My life is so much better now and I can see more great changes to come. I am starting to have a full, happy, healthy life that I never dreamed possible. And I am so glad for that.

Changes...But Life Is Still Beautiful

This is a photograph I took a few weeks ago in the park near my house.

And as the leaves changed color and fell from the trees, and the weather suddenly flipped the switch to cold, dark and rainy, my mood got exponentially worse. I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and it has been exceptionally hard to get any sunlight. I need to find a light box. My brain needs the equivalent of a light box. There is so much going on at once that it has been overwhelming. This year alone there have been many changes and surprises that have come my way. Some have been happy, but they have been significantly life-changing that it's affected me profoundly. As any expert will tell you, even happy life changes can be stressful. In my case it was being contacted by my half-brother and also being contacted by a cousin I never even knew about and also finding out about my Maori heritage, finally discovering which tribe I belonged to. And to top it off, it turned out that when I was doing a course about archiving history last year at university, the local museum was doing an anthropological study into the bones of a burial site at Wairau Bar. Unbeknownst to me at the time, those bones and artifacts belonged to my ancestors. My cousin contacted me when the re-burial ceremony happened and said that they had done a sacro-cranial reconstruction by computer of one of our ancestors. I saw my own eyes staring back at me. It was a very emotional moment.

Adding to this is the fact that it is my senior year of my Bachelor of Arts degree. The past two years have been very certain- I had a certain amount of courses to do, I also had a job at the university. But this is it, this is the curtain call. A lot of my friends are doing a fourth Honors year because they are not ready to leave. But I really, truly am! I want to work for a while before I go back and do my Masters degree. And I may be able to graduate early by merit of extra points I accumulated due to my prior courses in Education as part of an unfinished Bachelor of Teaching and Learning.

So things have been overwhelming. I have been trying to see my way through a fog of depression but I'm proud of myself being able to compartmentalize the symptoms and function as best as I can. I had my final day for the semester before the exam period today, and I am going to be working hard to get back into a routine of healthy eating and exercise in order to get myself back into peak physical and mental condition. Life is beautiful, despite being overwhelming. It is beautiful because I have hope, something I didn't have many many years ago.

For the Love of an Owl

At the moment, I am going through a process of grieving. But I know I am not alone in this grief, it is a collective grief that is also tinged with great joy. I know that this sounds strange, but it is the most profoundly complex experience I have ever been through in my whole life.

Three months ago, I stumbled across a Ustream site of the owl box of Molly the Owl in San Marcos, California. This particular owl box was being recorded by the Royals: Carlos and Donna, with the technical help of grandson Austin. It was a drab, wet, autumn Saturday morning when I stumbled across it. And I was immediately transfixed. Here was this majestic mother barn owl, tending to (at that stage) three tiny little pink scrawny owlets, with two more eggs to go. I watched as she would settle herself over the owlets, and gently, with those mighty talons of hers, turn the eggs.

And just before Easter, I got to witness the hatching of the final owlet, Wesley. Having started to make friends in the owl box community, we were cheering for little Wesley to make her entrance into the world. It was the first hatching I have ever witnessed of any type of bird and I know that as Molly gently helped Wesley out of the egg a collective cheer went up. And we watched as the owlets all grew extraordinarily fast, exchanging their tiny pinkness for downy fluff, learning how to feed themselves and eventually making steps towards the outside world.

The past two weeks we have seen Max, Austin, Pattison and Wesley all fly out of the box and start to make the transition into their adult lives. And it has been a joyous occasion...but also very hard. We celebrate the fact that they have been able to survive and thrive. One of the other boxes lost two owlets in the space of 24 hours. We celebrate that they are all beautiful and different and are adding to the owl population in the area. But we will miss watching them.

One of the things that blew me away about this experience was the sheer strength of love that was felt for these birds. They will never know that millions of people were there, cheering them on and loving them unconditionally. And that love also spread to the MOD (Molly Obsessive Disorder) community- many people met, many people became friends and we all became an extraordinary worldwide family. I know the sociologists at my university would have a field day with this phenomenon! When people were ill, we rallied around them. People lost pets and family members during this time and we were there to comfort them because we understood and we looked out for them. There was a bit of conflict, but you get that in any community. But just that sheer force of love...if a few thousand of us can generate that for six owls...imagine what the whole world could do for one another.

It is hard saying goodbye to the owls but they have our hearts with them and we are thrilled that they have grown up healthy and happy and ready to soar on the clouds.