Fighting the Black Dog

Today was an interesting day for me.
Yesterday I had a really wonderful, action-packed day and when I woke up this morning I felt dreadful. I felt the claws of depression tightening around me. I've had a bout of depression for about a month or so now, partly due to stress at university and work. Now that the stress is off I think the depression is starting to try and take hold. But what did I do? I acknowledged it. I said, 'okay, today's not so good mood-wise. I can ride this out'. And I did. That in itself was a triumph for me. There have been times with my condition where I haven't been able to do that, where it has suffocated me and I have felt helpless. It was much worse when I was younger and didn't have such a great doctor. Back then I was being medicated but there was no follow-up care. I was also made to feel that I was a second-class citizen. The situation seemed hopeless. When I was first diagnosed back in 1999, I lost all of my friends. Their parents wanted them to keep away from me, afraid they would 'catch' depression. And I was bitter for some time over that because for that past year I was having to keep everyone else happy. My best friend at the time was having issues because her parents wouldn't allow her to sit her exams (weird but whatever), another friend was having issues with her stepfather and had to live with us for a while. Another friend lost a grandmother, my best friend lost her grandfather, and the friend who lost the grandmother also ended up getting pregnant. And every five minutes it was, "help me, Rainbow, what do I do?" And when I needed help they were gone.

Things are so much better now. The more you talk to people the more you realise that depression affects so many people and that the stigma is slowly starting to wear off. Now people are more aware that teens suffer from depression too- that it's not just a case of teens being in a funk, that there are genuine cases of depression.

I think one of the most interesting things for me is that even though today I was feeling very depressed and trying to keep on top of the depression, I knew that I had people that loved me and that my life was still good. Being able to rationalise and compartmentalise the depression has meant that I can still lead a full and healthy life. I am looking forward to finishing this semester at the end of the week so I can start to get back into healthy eating and exercising again, which I have put off because of work and university commitments and stress, because I know that they both help me to ward off severe depression and make me feel so much better.

If you are out there and suffering depression right now- you are not alone. I have lived to tell the tale many times over. The best thing you can do is to TALK about it. Find a friendly ear and just let it all out. I also find that when I have really bad days, even if I don't feel like it, I will set myself small, achievable goals. Maybe I decide to get all the recycling done that day. Perhaps I do something I've been meaning to do on my 'to-do' list. If things are really severe, in the past I have made an effort to do very small things, things that sometimes end up not being done when you are sunk deep down in depression. Sometimes, that can just be making sure you get out of bed and have a shower. Because when you are deep down in depression, just doing those things are particularly difficult. Lately, when things have been bad with me I have had to have the goal of turning up to all of my classes in a day!

But tomorrow is another day, and I will take it as it comes. It is cliched,but true.