30 By Thirty

So, things are starting to kick into gear, thank goodness. I lost half a kilo in just three days by switching a few things up, like eating more. Not a huge amount, just the equivalent of an extra snack during hardcore exercise sessions.
It suddenly dawned on me the other day though. In September I turn 30. I had a bit of a mid-life panic. I don't want to be fat on my 30th birthday!!!! So my weight loss efforts now has its own label, its own campaign and I call it 30 by Thirty, because I want to lose 30kgs by September. Will I do it? Probably not, because it took me two years to lose 25kgs but its worth a shot, and having a goal date will make me more determined. I hope.

Living and Learning

This week saw the loss of two members of my big global family. One was the mother of a friend of mine and the other was a family friend. I am pleased to say that in both cases they lived incredibly long and happy lives.

It's not easy saying goodbye, but sometimes there is something profound about a memorial service. I hate the word 'funeral'. It sounds so austere and foreboding. But 'memorial'...to me that is about remembering loved ones and celebrating their lives. In the case of our family friend I was very sad but when I reminisced with my mother about him we ended up laughing most of the time instead because he was just that much of a joyous and memorable person. We also said that the crematorium where the service was being held was far too small considering everyone who wanted to turn up.

I think that celebrating a person's life can sometimes be very healing. Perhaps it's because it takes the attention away from our grief, we celebrate what that person meant to so many other people. I've found that by talking about how funny Joe was and what an incredibly vibrant person he was it stopped me from falling to pieces. And there is a lesson there for me too. Joe had a very, very long life and a very happy one, but life can be fleetingly short, and it is important to live your life with great passion and joy and meaning. Joe was an avid hunter, a very respected member of both the local hunting and fishing communities, and the most incredible painter I had ever had the pleasure of knowing.

We are, in some ways, a legacy of the people who go before us, especially if they are family. We can serve as an important link to one another in our time of grief. I think the loved ones who pass before us would want nothing better for us than to see us supporting each other and living life to the full.

What the Quake Taught Me

Three weeks ago we had a 7.1 earthquake. This was, as you can imagine, tremendously shocking, most of all due to the fact that my town is not known for dramatic seismic activity. When everyone predicted "the big one" they thought it would be in Wellington. They were wrong.
The actual magnitude of the quake surprised me because a lot of friends overseas were scared for me and told me tales of what happened during the Loma Pieta quake and other quakes of similar strength. The damage was pretty extensive in many areas, but in some cases where one building would be completely devastated, the building right next to it would be fine. We were extremely fortunate to have sustained no damage at my house whatsoever, with the loss of one cup and one plate and that was it.

We've had lots of aftershocks which means the city is sleep deprived and stressed, but we're all in this together. For me, the quake has been a life-changing experience, a time to reflect on exactly what is important in life...and what is not. I wanted to share some of my insights with you:

The quake brought home how incredibly LUCKY I have been this year. Firstly, our house was fine when my parents' home is still potentially un-liveable. Where other people had to have days off work and study, my work was still open for business and operating as usual with no damage. I graduated a semester early this year, and so had I still been studying at this time my studies would have been affected because the semester has had to be shortened and condensed due to quake damage at the university. If I had still been working in my old job at the university, I would have lost two weeks' pay. LUCKY. Very lucky, and very grateful.

The quake reminded me who my friends are, and who would be better off out of my life. Immediately after the quake I had messages from around the world, hoping I was safe because they had heard about it on the news. A friend whom I've only known for about six months stayed up all night (Northern Hemisphere time) to keep up to date with me. People I've only just met this year showered me with love and kept me smiling when I just wanted to crumple. In contrast, a friend I'd known for eleven years was mysteriously silent. She was a person whom I'd contemplated cutting from my life for some time, somebody who never asked about my new job or really cared about anything in my life and who only ever talked about herself. She was draining and when I was very ill she was a taker. So I made the decision to walk away. The quake was the final straw, I could have been dead for all she knew and she didn't care.

The quake has helped me to let go of a lot of hang-ups and issues. I look at it as being a rebirth of sorts, that things before the quake don't really matter as much. We have a rental property house inspection today, and normally when these come around I fret and stress about how tidy the house is and how clean it looks. Today I'm thinking, it's a house. We don't put huge holes in the wall, we take care of it, we're not running a meth lab. Who cares. I came home yesterday from work, and was supposed to do a quick clean and I just thought, you know what? No. I'm not wasting my time on this. At work, I do my job but when I get out of the door I don't feel guilty for not doing full time. And I relish the time I have in the afternoons.

Facing Facts

Yes, I have been AWOL on here for some time. I do apologise.
Life got in the way big-time. It also very much got in the way of my diet and exercise also.

I have a new job that I start today. I had to buy clothes on the weekend, and struggling to get into a size 16 skirt and nearly busting out of a size 18 top I suddenly realize that this is the largest I have ever been. I don't need the scales to tell me that. I know. I feel it, I see it. To add insult to injury, the advertising on the back of the dressing room stall's door is for the store's line of shapewear! What are they trying to say? I feel bad enough as it is with the hideous lighting illuminating every roll of fat!

But as I said, I am starting a new job, and with that I am hoping to change my life. My job is reasonably sedentary, but as I am only working four hours a week I will still be able to fit in a workout. In fact, I still have my university gym membership until 14 December, and from work the university is not that far away. My partner still works at the university, so what I can get him to do for me is for him to take my gym gear with him, I'll pop into his office and voila! Also, on the days I don't work out and the weather gets warmer and nicer, I will be able to walk home from work. It only takes about 30-40 minutes.

Thankfully, there are no vending machines at work, which is one of my 'trouble areas'. BUT I am 10 minutes from the mall, KFC is literally down the road from work, and there's a posh cafe right next door to the office. But I'm aware of my trouble zones, so that's okay.

I'm also beginning to realise that there are certain foods I cannot have in the house right now, because I can't be trusted not to binge on them: potato chips and cookies.

I got enough of a wake-up call in the changing rooms to really start thinking about what I'm doing to my body and spirit.

Not Alone

One of my missions in writing this blog is to share my experiences of having a mental illness, and to also say that it's OK to not be 'OK'. I apologise if this is all over the place but I need to pour my heart out.

A friend of mine posted her 'Class of 2000' reunion pictures on Facebook. We didn't go to the same school, and I was class of '99 anyway. But seeing the smiling faces of people ten years on from their high school graduation made me smile too. Why? I may not have been here ten years later writing this. Something which affected me greatly this week was a piece about an anonymous person posting his/her suicidal wish to PostSecret, the anonymous postcard phenomenon. 60,000 people banded together to try and get a message to this anonymous poster to reassure them that they were not alone and were loved. And what amazed me most of all was the amount of teenagers who did this. I was so proud of every single one of them. When I was diagnosed with depression, it was taboo and not talked about, really. What I am seeing now from this side of things is that teens are often misunderstood...and I believe that teen depression is often misinterpreted as just being moody teenagers. One phenomenon that wasn't talked about when I was in high school is the bullying of GLBT teens, as well as cyber bullying. It's bad enough being a GLBT teen trying to navigate the perils of high school, but now the bullies can reach you right in your living room.

I was bullied from day one at primary school, through high school and unbelievably when I went to teacher's college, which was disgusting. So you imagine all of those years of being told you weren't good enough, that something was obviously wrong with you but nobody ever told you what it was except for the fact it had something to do with being bright, something you had no control over. And it took its toll. I attempted suicide in my senior year and was diagnosed with depression but at this point the after-care was non-existent apart from handing me some pills. As bad as being depressed and suicidal was, the time afterwards was my lowest point. I am still angry at the girls who bullied me, I don't know how you make your way through that kind of pain and come out the other side but with a lot of research and experience I have been able to reconstruct my life and make it a happy one.

When you are so low that you can't believe you're still alive and wonder why you are, I think that's when you can rebuild. I lived, and there was obviously a reason for that. I guess what I really want to say is that there are so many people in the world who feel alone, who are suffering from depression or another form of mental illness and they are real, living, breathing people, not a circus sideshow. If I could go back to that young person I was ten years ago I would tell her she wasn't alone, even if it felt like that. That life really is worth living, that it's not the circumstances, it's the crazy brain chemicals making her think otherwise. I'd ask her to take care of herself.

All Work and No Play (or Sunshine)...

Sometimes when you are waiting for rainbows there is a whooooole lotta rain to get through. In my case, it's been both metaphorical and literal this week! It has been raining nonstop for the past four days. And not hard rain, either. It's been that awful, drizzly rain that gets over everything and makes the air feel really oppressive. Of course the cat has been loving ducking in and out in the rain because she gets to be toweled off when she comes back inside. It's also the end of semester, and the end of the exam period, so I am at a loose end. All the stress came off literally in an instant after I finished my last exam on Thursday morning and I collapsed. I'm still feeling incredibly mentally frazzled. So we have the oppressive weather, my mental exhaustion and a touch of winter blues. It makes Rainbow an incredibly foul person to live with. When you start to understand what Jack Torrance was going through in "The Shining"...yeah, bad sign. Then again I think I'd go crazy being around Shelley Duvall as well.

Today thankfully is the first day of sunshine, although when the curtains were pulled back I squinted from the sheer burst of sunlight. I'm starting to think that vampires aren't vampires, they're people who suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder like me. As for the mood and the low energy, I have to just ride it out and fortify myself with nourishing foods instead of stodge. It's so tempting in the winter to immerse yourself in full-fat hot chocolate, creamy pasta, mashed potatoes with lashings of butter,bagels with cream cheese...or maybe that's just me. But no, I must go towards the light (literally) and nibble the foods that help support my serotonin levels instead of diminishing them. I find it exceptionally hard to keep mentally well in winter. Colds and flu don't bother me much, I can deal with those, it's mental unwellness that has me in its grip. And worse yet, if I am allowed to graduate early I am going to be at a loose end this winter, so I will have to find plenty of things to keep myself occupied. Exercise is definitely a must. Part of the reason I have been so cranky the past few days is because I desperately wanted to go for a long brisk walk through the park but couldn't. Here's hoping for a few more rain-free days.

Look What The Cat Dragged In

Sadly, there are some times when drama cannot be avoided in one's life. Yesterday was a prime example. We managed to have a bit of a lie-in and a relaxing morning, but I was feeling a bit cooped up so we decided to go for a bit of a drive around the bays. However, as we go out the door, who should we see in the window of the house next door...but Hazel. And the neighbor wasn't home. She was crying out to us but there was nothing we could do but wait until the neighbor got home and hope she wasn't going down south to her parents for the weekend like she does.

Thankfully, at about 6:45pm the neighbor came home and Orlon went to see her but Hazel must have dashed out unseen when the neighbor first opened her door because she was nowhere to be found. So we thought, OK, she'll be home soon. We waited. And waited. And waited. At 9:00pm Orlon went searching around the neighborhood with the flashlight but Hazel was nowhere to be seen. My biggest worry was that in Hazel's blind panic to get out, she'd run across the road and gotten bowled by a car. Thankfully next to our apartments there is a vacant lot that all of the neighborhood cats frequent when they want to go somewhere.

It got to about 10:45 and I started crying. This wasn't like Hazel at all. I was prepared to stay up all night if I had to and start searching for her at daylight. But then at 11:00, who should come running through the catflap but Hazel! We cried with relief, smothered her in cuddles and she was a bit bewildered by the whole thing. Needless to say even though she wanted to go out again after that we shut the cat flap and she settled to sleep on the bed.