Living and Learning

This week saw the loss of two members of my big global family. One was the mother of a friend of mine and the other was a family friend. I am pleased to say that in both cases they lived incredibly long and happy lives.

It's not easy saying goodbye, but sometimes there is something profound about a memorial service. I hate the word 'funeral'. It sounds so austere and foreboding. But 'memorial'...to me that is about remembering loved ones and celebrating their lives. In the case of our family friend I was very sad but when I reminisced with my mother about him we ended up laughing most of the time instead because he was just that much of a joyous and memorable person. We also said that the crematorium where the service was being held was far too small considering everyone who wanted to turn up.

I think that celebrating a person's life can sometimes be very healing. Perhaps it's because it takes the attention away from our grief, we celebrate what that person meant to so many other people. I've found that by talking about how funny Joe was and what an incredibly vibrant person he was it stopped me from falling to pieces. And there is a lesson there for me too. Joe had a very, very long life and a very happy one, but life can be fleetingly short, and it is important to live your life with great passion and joy and meaning. Joe was an avid hunter, a very respected member of both the local hunting and fishing communities, and the most incredible painter I had ever had the pleasure of knowing.

We are, in some ways, a legacy of the people who go before us, especially if they are family. We can serve as an important link to one another in our time of grief. I think the loved ones who pass before us would want nothing better for us than to see us supporting each other and living life to the full.

What the Quake Taught Me

Three weeks ago we had a 7.1 earthquake. This was, as you can imagine, tremendously shocking, most of all due to the fact that my town is not known for dramatic seismic activity. When everyone predicted "the big one" they thought it would be in Wellington. They were wrong.
The actual magnitude of the quake surprised me because a lot of friends overseas were scared for me and told me tales of what happened during the Loma Pieta quake and other quakes of similar strength. The damage was pretty extensive in many areas, but in some cases where one building would be completely devastated, the building right next to it would be fine. We were extremely fortunate to have sustained no damage at my house whatsoever, with the loss of one cup and one plate and that was it.

We've had lots of aftershocks which means the city is sleep deprived and stressed, but we're all in this together. For me, the quake has been a life-changing experience, a time to reflect on exactly what is important in life...and what is not. I wanted to share some of my insights with you:

The quake brought home how incredibly LUCKY I have been this year. Firstly, our house was fine when my parents' home is still potentially un-liveable. Where other people had to have days off work and study, my work was still open for business and operating as usual with no damage. I graduated a semester early this year, and so had I still been studying at this time my studies would have been affected because the semester has had to be shortened and condensed due to quake damage at the university. If I had still been working in my old job at the university, I would have lost two weeks' pay. LUCKY. Very lucky, and very grateful.

The quake reminded me who my friends are, and who would be better off out of my life. Immediately after the quake I had messages from around the world, hoping I was safe because they had heard about it on the news. A friend whom I've only known for about six months stayed up all night (Northern Hemisphere time) to keep up to date with me. People I've only just met this year showered me with love and kept me smiling when I just wanted to crumple. In contrast, a friend I'd known for eleven years was mysteriously silent. She was a person whom I'd contemplated cutting from my life for some time, somebody who never asked about my new job or really cared about anything in my life and who only ever talked about herself. She was draining and when I was very ill she was a taker. So I made the decision to walk away. The quake was the final straw, I could have been dead for all she knew and she didn't care.

The quake has helped me to let go of a lot of hang-ups and issues. I look at it as being a rebirth of sorts, that things before the quake don't really matter as much. We have a rental property house inspection today, and normally when these come around I fret and stress about how tidy the house is and how clean it looks. Today I'm thinking, it's a house. We don't put huge holes in the wall, we take care of it, we're not running a meth lab. Who cares. I came home yesterday from work, and was supposed to do a quick clean and I just thought, you know what? No. I'm not wasting my time on this. At work, I do my job but when I get out of the door I don't feel guilty for not doing full time. And I relish the time I have in the afternoons.